Butt Hangers

I found a blog today by one of the writers that I follow that had me literally laughing like a fool for a good 15 minutes. I so wish I had a little boy so we could have life lessons like this:
http://www.thebeardediris.com/2012/06/28/awnuts/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheBeardedIris+%28The+Bearded+Iris%29

I love it. Keep it up Bearded Iris!

The Worst Mommy at the Bus Stop

Mood: Totally chill – it’s been an excellent Saturday morning

Listening to: Well, not much.

I am not a time management super hero. There’s definitely an argument that could be put for me totally sucking at time management. I do usually manage to be somewhere if I need to though.

My youngest comes home on the bust around noon. I am expected to be at the bus stop to collect her, which is totally logical because we can’t have 4 year olds wandering around by themselves now, can we? If the bus driver/assistants can’t find a parent, they bring the kid back to school. Her teacher informed us that the bus leaves the school at 11:30. Now I’ve driven to that school more times than I can remember, and it NEVER takes less than 40 minutes to get there in a car. A car that can move in and out of traffic much easier than a gigantic school bus. The first day was kosher. I went at 12, the bus showed up at 12:15 as expected. The next day, I went at 12 and the bus was already there…waiting for me to collect my daughter. I asked all the other moms there if I was wrong about the time the bus would come. They told me that they had been asked to be at the bus stop by 11:45. I’m not really sure who told them this, but such is the way with the school my daughters attend. The next day, I went out at 11:30 just to be on the safe side. The bus again showed up at 12:15. The next two days I came at 11:45 and the bus came at 12 – all good. Yesterday, I came at 11:50 and the bus was there again, waiting for me. Not waiting for 15 minutes types mind you, the other parents were just wandering off. The bus driver got rather pissy with me and told me I had to be on time. Um, how can I be on time when you come a different time every.single.day? Of course the driver only speaks Kanada, the local language, so my asking him that was totally ineffective and a lost cause.

To top it all off, my housekeeper Indira has started coming early lately. When we hired her, we asked her to come at 10:30. The time slowly crept up to 12:30, and now it has come back to 10:30. I have no idea why, let’s just not go there – it will only confuse me more. There’s just no way she can be done before 12. I absolutely hate leaving her alone in the house, especially if I’m going to have to sit at the bus stop for a half an hour until 12:15. She doesn’t like leaving unless I’m home, so I find her sitting there waiting for me to come back.

I’m not really sure how this works. Is it reasonable to expect me to sit at the bus stop for a half an hour if the bus is late just so I will be there if it’s early? I’m not even sure of the physics of the bus leaving the school at 11:30 and arriving at my house at 11:45. Seems rather hoodoo-ish to me. I guess I don’t have much choice but to suck it up and sit there for a half an hour. I definitely don’t want to piss off the bus driver and have him bring my daughter back to school if I’m not there the minute he pulls up. I don’t have a car and it would be a HUGE hassle to go and get her.   Ugh. I hate feeling like the mom at the bus stop that never has her act together and can’t manage to get the schedule down.

Becky

On What Your Kids Read

I recently read a great article written by Liz at Mom101 about another article that had been written about Cosmo being evil and teaching our daughters sexuality. I loved Liz's response to it. Go check it out. Well worth the read to prompt some thought on how you want to handle dealing with what your kids are exposed to.

http://www.mom-101.com/2012/06/lets-talk-about-sex-baby-also-about-censoring-it.html#comment-41540

How do you handle what your kids are allowed to read/watch? I'll be writing a post on this shortly. Until then, give it some thought.

On Being Homesick

Listening to: Cartoons - not even good ones. Ugh.

Mood: Meh.

The other day, my elder daughter told me she was missing “home” and that she really wanted to go back to New York. We had a little chat about how we would definitely try to go and visit sometime, but Bangalore was our home now. We talked about the things she misses and more importantly, what she finds awesome about India.

It was a little unexpected for me, because both of my girls have pretty much adjusted like champs, not a peep to be heard. I honestly expected much more backlash because one of my nieces cried every day for 3 months after they moved here. While I’m glad they have been so adjusting and have had a great attitude, I’m glad some of this came out.

My family moved a lot when I was little. My dad has a perennially restless soul and never stayed one place for too long. This has pretty much been genetically passed along to me too. I married someone of the same nature. We've lived a rather nomadic life ourselves.

I felt really bad for her, because I remember all too well how difficult it was for me when my family moved. Fortunately, she’s much more outgoing and makes friends much easier than I did at her age. I was painfully shy. My eldest is a sensitive soul and doesn’t do well with meanness/sarcasm. Unfortunately, that’s something that she’s had to deal with a lot more now that we’ve moved. She misses the independence of getting in the car and going different places. As of right now, we don’t have a car.  She misses things being easy. She misses things being clean. I felt bad for her, because I have my own times when I miss living in the US. I LOVE living in India, but there are definitely some things from the US that I miss.

I talked to her about what helped me when I was younger, and we thought about some things she could try to help her think happy thoughts about the US but not miss it too much. After all, the plan is to visit eventually and we most likely will go back and live there after a while.

I’m hoping that when she gets a bit older, she’ll look back on this time and think of the good things she enjoyed, even if she does remember the harder parts. That’s what happened with me.

Becky

Swearing and the Sex Talk

Mood: Stabby. Someone is doing construction in the apartment above ours and for some reason, must pound on the floor all the time. For the past week. Stabby people.

Listening to: Minority – Green Day.  As well as the pounding.

I understand why it’s thrilling for kids to swear. I remember my own illustrious track record with using the most offensive words I knew, of course never so that my parents could hear me. That would have resulted in a beating that prevented me from sitting down for a few weeks – I was much too smart to get caught. 

However, my vocabulary was quite limited until I got into Jr. High. In fact, the year I turned 13, we moved down to the Florida Keys. That was the beginning of the end. I was thrown in with a lot of kids who had a lot more world exposure than I did. What can I say, I was a sheltered kid. My “boyfriend” took perverse delight in teaching me all kinds of fun words, and hoo boy did I ever put them to good use. Some 17 years later, I still have a mind that would put a sailor to shame. My husband has finally given up his campaign to clean up my mouth when I talk to him, because really, not happening. This type thing only comes out in front of my husband, and occasionally good friends if I’ve been drinking.

One thing that I have been almost paranoid type careful about is not swearing in front of my daughters. How can I expect them to talk politely if I am not a good example? As far as I know, I have never sworn in front of them. Well folks, I’ve been relieved of the shame of being the one to break their swear word cherries. Some little punk ass kids beat me to it. Not only have they been taught a word that will make my mother faint, it’s the mack daddy of all the swear words. That’s right, it’s my favorite – Fuck. For some reason, it’s heart breaking for me to hear my 4 year old tell me that “this boy I know” Hitish says fuck all the time. I am relieved they didn’t learn it from me, but I still am pissed that they had to hear such things at a young age.

Daddy G saw red and wanted to pass out beatings to the little offender.  I vetoed that idea, as we are trying to avoid beating the G-lets. I sat the girls down and explained exactly what “fuck” means and told them I expect it not to come out of their mouths for at least 15 more years, longer for the youngest. My husband came in after they went to bed and asked me how I explained it.  

“It’s an extremely rude word for what mommies and daddies do to make a baby.” Was my calm reply.

He burst out into embarrassed, amused laughter.

“What?” I asked as innocently as possible.

“Oh nothing, it’s just so…accurate.”

“Well Daddy G, it’s more fun to say if the meaning is a mystery. It’s also less fun to say if it doesn’t embarrass your parents.”

“I can’t believe you just talk to them about sex like that.” He said, turning as red as his brown skin allows.

Sigh. “Daddy G, if it becomes a non-taboo subject and they feel we can talk about it, I’m hoping it won’t be something they feel the need to sneak around and discover on their own in a non-responsible way”

“Still.” He said, still embarrassed.

“I cannot believe you are such a prude about these things. You certainly didn’t balk when you and I explored sex in the most irresponsible way ever.”

“Can we not talk about sex, us, and our daughters in the same sentence??” he begged, rapidly backing out of the room.

“Chicken!” I called after him.

At least one of us is going to be a grown up about the sex conversation. Until then, to the little punk who teaches my daughters offensive words: I have 22 years of learning on you. I can put your little behind in place without using those words at all. I suggest you don't try me. I know who your mother is also, and I'm sure she wouldn't approve.

Becky

Love and Logic - For When You Need Extra Help

Listening to: Angel  - Aerosmith

Mood: Optimistic

As I was mentioning earlier, the G family has had some rough times as of late in the form of some rather large and tricky behavior issues. I decided to get in touch with a very good friend of mine who has always guided me straight and given me some good advice. We don’t talk to each other much anymore. There’s an age difference, a distance issue, lives being busy, and a pretty huge religion issue hanging between us, but I still consider him a good friend and someone who I trust enough to ask advice. He was my youth pastor when I was in high school during some of the darkest times for me.  He even married Daddy G and I without the condescending disappointment that I got from so many other friends and family in the church at the time. He and his wife seem to have a very solid relationship and have raised two happy, healthy kids. I respect them both a whole lot.

The web site he pointed me to was www.loveandlogic.com.  Just so we’re clear, I’m not a big fan of programs. The site is indeed a business and they do have products to sell. I am not a fan of seminars, and buying lots of books about the same philosophy, but if you are, help yourself.  What the website does have, however, is a clear view into their strategy with dealing with kids. This isn’t a “the only way to find the answers is to buy our books” type deal. The answers are there on the web site.

The reason why I liked this website so much is that it gives practical answers on how to deal with some tough situations and calls parents out on contributing to bad behavior. It also aims to do this without anger, sarcasm, shouting, or spanking. It’s a wonderful reference and wonderful reassurance that if you stick with it, the results will be worth the momentary discomfort of refocusing behavior.  Sometimes even the best of us parents get caught up in negative responses and behaviors that aren’t good examples for our kids. A gentle reminder is awesome.

If you want to check out the free resources online, click the “Parents” tab and scroll down to Free Resources. I read through them all because I was so impressed with their concept. Stressing to kids that their behaviors made you sad instead of angry, disgusted, etc, is a novel concept for people like me who have a very hard time taking excessive emotion and hyperbole out of raising children. Consequences are given, but they are given in a loving way. “Oh, how sad. You must have been frustrated to feel like you need to throw your toys.  That made me very tired. I think if you wipe off the table for me, I may have some more energy to play with you.” “How sad you didn’t want to help me get my energy back by wiping off the table. That’s okay, you can buy back my energy by letting me borrow your favorite toy for a while.” And then not arguing with the child about it.  If you must say something, let it be, “I love you too much to argue.” It’s so simple it’s almost criminal. Of course a child used to getting his or her way (or getting attention from a big, drawn out scene and argument) you can’t expect them to change their tune overnight. However, I’ve found that once children understand that the parent is in control of both themselves and the situation, they tend to fall into line pretty quickly. Of course positive reinforcement never hurts. Make sure you are giving attention for positive behaviors, because attention is what the child is after anyhow.

Just the other day, Daddy G and I were taking a walk by ourselves when we noticed some black marker on the hallway outside our door. With a disheartened sigh, we recognized our daughter’s handwriting. To our dismay, there were some very rude words written in the same black marker inside the elevator.  We decided to confront our daughter about it and see if there was any further evidence.

After she came home from playing, we asked to see the bag of toys she had brought outside.  Sure enough, there was a big, black permanent marker in there. We decided to wait until dinner to have a discussion about what to do with the little offender.

At dinner time, I’m proud to say that there was a calm, logical discussion of what happened. My daughter tried the old deny, deny, deny tactic, but after a while she knew the gig was up. We calmly talked about why it happened and what the rude words meant (turns out, she didn’t even know and one friend is a not so great influence by telling her that word). We also told her that Daddy G and I would be deciding the consequences and letting her know what they would be.

All I have to say is check it out and give it a try folks. Daddy G and I have never felt so calm about disciplining and making the best of a crappy situation. We felt like WE were in control of the situation and that our kids were calm because they didn’t have any emotion from our side, except mild disappointment, to feed on.

Becky

Heartbreaking and Exciting, All in the Same Breath

Listening to: Angel  - Aerosmith

Mood: Optimistic

Thanks to our moving half way around the globe, our daughters had almost a full year without any institutionalized schooling.  There were many successful and even more unsuccessful attempts to teach them things at home too. All in all, it has been a LOT of togetherness time for the girls and me. I both love it and get tired of it.

The time has come for them to once again hop on board the white and green school bus (we don’t have yellow ones here) and leave for the day. Well, at least my oldest will leave for the day, the youngest will only be gone a half day. This was recent and largely unwelcome news for me. Not only was my first in school all day by this age, I really feel like my younger one could do with some independent time from me and her sister so she can make her own friends and develop her own personality.

There has been much talk lately about whether or not I should get a job when the kids are in school full time and if that job should be me starting a business. I was generally very excited about this new phase of life. Having my youngest in school only half time pretty much curtails that all together. Between finding a job, transportation, care for them after school, there really isn’t much sense to be had out of this.

My eldest daughter spent last night fretting and repeating that she was scared. Her first 3 months in an Indian school were indeed rough for her, but she made friends and did fine in school. I reminded her gently, but she will still have to see for herself that she can do it and will be fine.

My youngest is also apprehensive, but I think it’s more to do with the stories her sister told her than anything else. It’s probably intimidating for her to have to go to her own classroom also. My girls usually are found together. They are sisters after all.

I have a 1 week reprieve before I have to put the youngest on the bus also as the younger ones start 1 week later. I’m not a crier. I won’t get emotional watching them both get on the bus. But I know the house will be very empty, and very, very quiet. I look forward to having a small chunk of time for myself for the first time in almost 8 years, yet I still worry that things will be hard for them. Will they enjoy their class? Will the teacher be nice? Will my youngest get lost in the school? I know these are all silly worries and that the girls will be fine, but it’s still hard not to worry.

Their time as babies is over. It’s both exhilarating to see them grow and thrive and heartbreaking that I will never hold their warm, squishy little bald heads up under my chin as I rock them to sleep.

My apologies for getting a bit maudlin here at the end. I keep waiting for it to get easier that they are growing up, but it never does.

Becky

Some Examples of Why Raising Little Girls is Awesome

Listening to: Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night – Black Eyed Peas

Mood: Optimistic

Hello folks. I know I’ve been rather absent from this blog for a while. I’ve mostly been over at Following the Masala and Just PassingThrough. I seem to have more to say in those forums. My life has been SO full of my daughters this past year, sometimes the last thing I want to do is sit down and write about them in my free time too.

I know the tone of this blog has been a wee bit dark as of late, and for that I apologize once again. I’ve turned into a bit of a whiner and a Negative Nancy about some things we’re dealing with and that isn’t good for anyone. I’ll get to what the strategy is that has been helping us deal with undesirable behavior in the next post. As to what’s been helping me be a better mom, it’s a big ole dose of put your big girl panties on, adjust your own attitude, and act like an adult. A hard pill to swallow, no doubt, but if the nurses start acting like the psych patients, we’re all on a sinking ship.

Anyhow. I wanted to share with you what I consider to be some of the fun moments you get when Mother nature graces you with a girl baby or two. I find it absolutely tragic that in some places in the world, girl babies are a liability and are not valued, and occasionally not even tolerated. I wouldn’t trade my daughters for boys for anything in the world. However, Mother Nature, if you should be so kind to bless this house with a boy, I would be thrilled about too. Hint hint, elbow elbow.  Ahem.

There is nothing on earth like a clean little girl, fresh out of the bathtub. I know boys are cute, but girls in footie pajamas with neatly combed hair are just adorable. Especially when this is almost the only time when you see yours clean and fully dressed.  There’s also that lovely smell that hangs around them after they dry, especially their hair. This goes away after they grow up a bit, tragically.

Little girls have adorable clothes. My husband has threatened me with a restraining order from certain stores just so I won’t sit in the baby/toddler isle and cry over all the squee worthy clothes my daughters no longer fit in. I’m not a mom who gets all crazy about only putting her daughters in pink, but I like pink too. It screams innocence, which they are because they’re little girls. Any nice bright color is good though. Don’t get me started with the dresses.

Little girls are much more fun to fix their hair. There’s only so much you can do with a little boy’s hair without people thinking there’s something really wrong with you. Pig tails and braids are pretty much out. Again, my daughters are never so cute as after they’ve gotten dressed for the day (in clean clothes!) and have had their hair fixed. I won’t see them that neat/clean again until evening baths. I’ve never understood the people who can go out with their kids clean and neat all the time. That just never worked out that well for our family. I love watching them be concerned about wearing cute clothes and fixing their hair, only to not care a half hour later, because they are children after all.

Girls are inherently softer and more in tuned with emotions around them. Yes, it was a generalization, but it is somewhat true. Leave alone if it’s fair and good to do, it’s how people behave towards girls. I love the need to snuggle, the need to talk about feelings, the not being embarrassed to get hugs even though the oldest is 8.

Enjoy your girls ladies and gentlemen.

Becky